First the Flower then the Fruit

How can you have so much love but anger as well? I ask this question because it’s the duality of a constant fight. The only determination is what emotion will win the war or become a more dominant residence inside my spirit. I was watching a video, the other day, of one of my divine, luscious friend’s in telling insights about gardening. It was one particular, profound statement he mentions several times over that made me ponder even further to my question; he mentioned, first the flower than the fruit. This was echoing back to me; first the flower than the fruit, as though it was speaking to me directly to my heart. The story goes; the flower will bloom than fall off; right after that the budding of the fruit will start to develop. So even, nature goes through to some duality, a double process of elimination or a least have some balance of the two.

But even, processing this thought of love and anger is a weary combination, especially when you are sabotaging yourself of a fulfill life. I’m trying to figure out this anger that has a quiet rumbling sound. It’s that type of anger that sneaks up behind you; then strikes without even knowing the culprit’s face; it happens so fast with no warning; which can be deadly, if you are not aware. I have become more aware of this lately, but now it’s about time to find the root cause of this crazy madness.

Well let’s describe how my anger operates in my life and how it mirrors it back to me. Most anger can be very rebellious from a dangerous construction. This type of anger intends to be more intense and fiery. The individual may be corrupted by the system; being promiscuous; abusing drugs and alcohol; rotating back to jail; having no respect for the authorities or elders; and being combative and confrontational towards people who’s undeserving for that type of behavior. If I behave in that matter, it would be obvious that I am angry, wouldn’t it? I’m not saying I haven’t use some tactics of outburst but it wouldn’t be my distinctive behavior in the norm. My anger is more internal. It shows up in my insecurities, my weight and love life. The way this happen someone could be pursuing their life’s goal, you congratulate them on their endeavors, but then you feed yourself negative talk about how you are a failure or loser because you haven’t endure in your life’s purpose. People may not know your personal struggles; they are just being themselves enjoying life. This anger is only a reflection where you are lacking in your journey. You may find a guy that has all the qualities that you love that suits you, divinely. Perhaps, you’ll say I’m not good enough for him; I’m not smart enough to carry a conversation; pretty enough; fine enough or whatever. I’ve gone through many scenarios I have mentioned above. I have self-sabotaged a lot of opportunities.

Most of this anger is resentment towards both my parents. I never dealt with the divorce as a child, the separation from my father, distance from my brother, not being a family and other things that I would not mention in this blog, maybe only when it’s necessary. I was always nonchalant and aloof about the situations. I thought I was ok because I wasn’t rebelling. I told you this silent anger will creep up on you. I’ve been carry this anger for 30 something years…wow!!!!

The love has been there, also. Even though, I may have resented my parents, but I love them, too. I love how I had a different type of relationship with my parents and siblings. I’m the youngest of three. I got treated a little different. I wasn’t spoil…ok, maybe a little, but I wasn’t a spoil brat. I just knew I was loved. That love evaporated to all my teachers at school; I formulated great bonds from neighborhood friends and had some beautiful connection with everyone, even the school janitor. I love the way my siblings had my back, when sometimes I got on punishment; and couldn’t go outside, so as soon my parents left from work…that’s right…I was out playing with my friends; they never knew it. I love the way how my brother and I always make fun of each other; sticking my tongue at him, taking each other things from each other, but it was all love and funny. I love the way my sister nurture me, while my mom was at work; braiding my hair; helping me with my clothes; hanging out with her older friends, even though, I may have gotten on her nerves. It was just your typical older and younger sister drama. I love when I went to church with my mom; go grocery shopping together, sitting inside the buggy; and just being around her presence, but she will whoop that ass…pop!!!! While my mother was more of the disciplinary, my father was a little easier. He seems to always want to protect me, sometimes over-protective and domineering to other people, when it came to his children. His presence made me feel safe as a child. I do wonder, if things were different, how life would be now for me. I guess that would be another topic.

Through some reminiscing, I learn I have love. I feel love everywhere. I become attach to those emotions. It can come from any remote places like T.V. when a kiss is shared; a loving bond is shared, even though, everything else seems script but in that moment of love it becomes optimistic; being in presence of love; the fun-loving love; hearing a loving conversation and love gestures between lovers; a loving family structure and many inspiring, loving attributes. There is always anticipation according to love that one day it can happen for you. I certainly can identify it, where as, most people have forgotten.

First the flower than the fruit is synonymous for our life entrance in tune with nature’s vibration. A garden which bears the flower has its own internal vibrational energy system. It’s the feminine energy that holds the mysterious information of the budding fruit. It set a divine tone and orchestra the flow of the garden. It determines how successful your fruits will be for harvesting. It lives in dark matter inside the black soil, trying to process the conscious of the seed; the infinite thoughts of life. It’s the passion of sensuality connected to the sun’s energy. It’s the energy that is put into action. The flower becomes the nurturer, feeding the nutrients and attracting bees for its nectar to make the bud stronger. The flower knows its life purpose to do all of the necessities to accomplish a goal. The flower sets a strong foundation to build upon. It’s also easier to look for any potential danger that may stump the bud’s full potential. My divine friend said, he intentionally allow some weeds to grow within the garden to attract insects. The insect will eat the weed, but not the impending fruit. Sounds like a big orgy everything is getting ….pleased. ..mmmmmmmm. The flower is a labor of love, water it with passion and it becomes sensuous receiving all good intentions; raising its sexual energy.

I like this kind of love what the garden demonstrates, externally. This brings me purpose and a desire to become my full budding self. I’m starting to formulate the flower’s behavior because it represents feminine energy. I’m like the lotus flower that blooms under muddy waters and then emerge in the morning under the loving sun. It kisses my naked body expose without shame. It’s freedom. That’s how I want to feel, internally.

Anger is not a bad thing; it’s the volume of anger. Anger is equal to passion because of its overpowering nature. Even though, it’s powerful you can attract that anger and attention for humanity, working for an important cause. It’s the weed that needs to find balance that will benefit for a right purpose.
I’m still growing and learning…always.

Finding Yourself Through Insecurities

Insecurities can paralyze you with fear, failure, our aesthetic looks or whatever that seems uncomfortable or embarrass. We can sometimes step into unfamiliar territories and doesn’t know all the plans or objective to construct your path. We have goals of what we want to accomplish; to aspire and to achieve goals; our dreams about life and visualizing all prospects obtaining those projects. Sometimes these dreams become defer or lives revolve to something different. Unconsciously, we vicariously live through some else’s life, wondering what happen. You can feel unauthentic of not truly being in your purpose in life. How can we achieve these goals and accomplish those dreams that kept us being our divine self?

I’ve been through many of these paths myself, meandering around life labyrinth maze, trying to find that unequivocal question, “Who Am I? “What Is My Divine Purpose? Those questions all seems such a mystery, the simplicities are easy to know but hard to answer. It’s easy to know because we lived in that present each time we have breath, making love, being around love ones, doing daily rituals, hobbies, talents, you know these things because you are doing something; you know the time, place and person. Everything is brought to your attention; it’s just basically comes down to choice. Now, you may be wondering well if I KNOW, then why is it hard for me to answer. Well, because we are not aware of the circumstances, honest truths; our relations to balance of feminine and masculine energy; our connection to the Universe, our love for Mother Nature, sacred sexuality, sacred spirituality and other host of metaphysically knowledge and science of life. So, it’s hard to answer when you have failed to notice most of the components of your spiritual relations. We have and me included have been spoon fed only through rhetoric philosophy by dogma religion. This has suppress our innate natural way of living, creating and being prosperous; afraid of what people may say.

I lived in this invisible line of being myself or being a sell out for someone to like me and understand my point of view. I’ve gone through if I was pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough to belong inside a whole circle, I would be happy. I’m here to tell you that shit doesn’t work. It’s too time consuming and an emotional rollercoaster ride. I felt trap inside my own matrix of lies. I had gotten good at hiding the truth about if I was envy of someone, wanted to have that person looks or wit, having that type of boyfriend, if I was cool to be around was my consumption of bullshit. In the last five years, it became apparent I couldn’t live like this anymore. I became disconnected with people; became more alone through this decipherable process; being anti-social; gain a lot of weight; didn’t have abundance in love or money….I became careless and fear became my lover.

Right now, I’m repairing all the emotional damage I’ve cause upon myself. I became tried of the misfortunes I was contributing in my life. I’ve had glimpses of my life exposing the good quality ones, but like anything you have fear being not good enough. My lack of commit to anything opportunities passed by me. But with my clarity of thought, I now know nothing is ever amiss. Opportunities is just reflecting that you were not ready for that assignment; and that everything is a circle; what goes around will come around, again…yessssssss!!!!.

I do have one undeniable truth and answer, that I’m a sensual and sexual person. That’s the one quality of insurance I have deposit. No matter if I’m overweight, having a bad day whatever, I know that my sexual energy is very potent. Within this body I was still vivacious, sensual and sexy. I am in tune with my sexuality, I always have. This is what gives me hope. I KNOW my capabilities in that divine area. Since I am speaking my truth, sometimes in my general life I will suppress my sensuality around people, until I get home to be myself again. I sometimes wish there was a camcorder, to witness the real me; comfortable in my body. On second thought, let’s not….mmmmm…I’m not that naughty…ha, ha.

The more I learn about sacred sexuality, the goddess movement, the Cosmic Mother and my connections of my hip to the earth. It’s my time to rise from the cervices behind close door and fulfill my divine purpose to become part of this feminine movement. I’m the vessel for the Cosmic Mother. It’s my duty to teach, create a better place for all living beings; to be inspire through other beautiful women; to keep the planet beautiful and irenic; create harmonious movement with our hips so the kundalini can rise from the spine and manifest healing and wealth; to balance the sacred masculine man; to make love for adoration for each other….yes..yes..yessss.

This is a journey of knowing and answering those simple questions “Who Am I? “What Is My Divine Purpose? The insecurities we may have will dissipate into thin air. We can be electric and build magnetic aura fields around ourselves to be secure inside our own divine body. Let’s not hide anymore…peace.

Childhood Sensuality

There is something intriguing about being a woman and other feminine energy that encompass sensuality. I notice, when I see something sexy or sensuous, I become aroused not sexually but excited. It’s that innate feeling that you are connected to your sexual vibration; your true authenticity. Women has a mystic factor that contribute to all living organism to their whole well-being, this contribution is the nurturing; it’s the love; it’s the affection; it’s the sweet nectar of energy; it’s the oceanic rapture of our water, when you become thirsty; it’s the balance of feminine and masculine energy and the connection of the Universal Power; the Cosmic Mother.

Over my adolescent years, I wanted to learn the existence in sexiness. I am interested in the movement, inner beauty; that essential mystery of sexiness. When I’m feeling down or despair, I know something beautiful attract me and make me feel better. It puts a smile on my face, for some reason. It makes me feel alive, juicy and striking. It’s a divine honor being a woman. It gives an underlying power that is very subtle, but grows very intensely. There is one factor that most women don’t think about, that is type of energy, your sexual energy; stems from your belly. This is the storage of your energy power, but your yoni/vagina help generate that movement. It’s a pondering feeling of warmth that conquest all over your body. I’ve never been this type of woman before, but it seemingly has always been there.

I remember being a little girl; I was always carefree, while other things bad were going on. I had confident; I was much wiser beyond my years, smart, intelligent and love being around my elders. I wasn’t a girlie girl, per say, but I always wore dresses. People always assume I was a Jehovah Witness, whatever that means, but I never really thought about it, though. Maybe, I just like wearing dresses, who knows?

I came from a Christianity background. We never discuss anything about sexuality. I was very captivated about sex, as a child, though; sneaking looking at porno, only through the wiggly lines, if you had cable. That’s when the Playboy channel was popular, even if you couldn’t get the clarity of the Playboy channel, you still got particle of some footage. I could only get a glimpse at the prospects. I did witness the sound effects of different moans and groans. It was something excited about the
vibration that connects with my sexuality.

I also remember playing hide-go-get. This exploration was so lustful and lighthearted and the infatuated sound of your childish moans and groans was wonderful. Having guys feeling on your butt; rubbing against your body; using their hands exploring different surfaces around your anatomy, I guess we all was looking at the wiggly lines and playing the roles. But most of these innocent, playful caresses were done in clothes.

My favorite pastime is kissing; still is presently. I remember my first kiss, when I was in the fourth grade and he was in the seventh grade. We move into an apartment complex, after my mom’s separation. He was my first boy crush. I thought, he was the cutest thing, ever. He also had a sister that was a little younger than me, so she was my playmate. I always went over to their house, but they couldn’t come outside, though, because their mom was working. So we use to play with the screen door open, they were still in the house, while I was outside, but we manage to play creatively. Over time my crush and I got more acquainted getting to know each other. As I, I’m writing this blog, I think that was my first initial tantric moment. We always sat in a lotus position in front of a screen, touching our hand against the screen, trying to get some vibration; having our childlike intimate moments. I thought I was in love. Yeah, it was that deep. We always talk about kissing each other and how it would feel. Finally that day had arrived, when we was to encounter our first kiss. When you know, this is it, you start to get butterflies in your stomach, but now I know this your sexual energy awaken. After pacing, stepping back and forth; teasing the moment; palms sweating; little sister in the background laughing. At last, WE DID IT!!!!! It was quick and painless. It was very sweet, considering we were so young. I think later my crush move out the apartment complex and never seen him again.

As I got older, I notice my sexual energy becoming more mature. While most girls was having sex early during high school; talking about the penis size; giving oral sex; how he sex her hard, I mostly interested in the intimacy aspect. I love the closeness his body; the hand holding; sensuous kissing, slow caressing; intimate conversations. Maybe I was well developing and full figure in high school. I notice most guys weren’t attractive to a figure like mines, but mostly mature boys appreciated my body type. It was easier asking questions about sex from intelligence of maturity. My curious question gave me insight about sex in a physical introspection. I was on this quest about alchemy of sexuality. Learning about this energy that is circulating inside my body and why does it become so intense around a person you’ve become attract to? I knew sex was sacred and spiritual, but I couldn’t articulate back when I was younger.

Right now as a 30 something female, I’m going back to my innocents; back to my childhood; the learning of easy sexuality. This is my emergency rekindling my sacred femininity; Living in my true essence of who I am as a divine woman, co-existing with mother earth; balancing it with the sacred masculine energy. This is my own sacred journey being shared with other divine feminine energy. I have many insecurities, but using this sensual journey to become molded into my ancestral Goddesses. This energy is ripe and ready to be eaten, cultivated, transmuted and transcendence to other level. THE TIME IS NOW!!!!!