How can you have so much love but anger as well? I ask this question because it’s the duality of a constant fight. The only determination is what emotion will win the war or become a more dominant residence inside my spirit. I was watching a video, the other day, of one of my divine, luscious friend’s in telling insights about gardening. It was one particular, profound statement he mentions several times over that made me ponder even further to my question; he mentioned, first the flower than the fruit. This was echoing back to me; first the flower than the fruit, as though it was speaking to me directly to my heart. The story goes; the flower will bloom than fall off; right after that the budding of the fruit will start to develop. So even, nature goes through to some duality, a double process of elimination or a least have some balance of the two.
But even, processing this thought of love and anger is a weary combination, especially when you are sabotaging yourself of a fulfill life. I’m trying to figure out this anger that has a quiet rumbling sound. It’s that type of anger that sneaks up behind you; then strikes without even knowing the culprit’s face; it happens so fast with no warning; which can be deadly, if you are not aware. I have become more aware of this lately, but now it’s about time to find the root cause of this crazy madness.
Well let’s describe how my anger operates in my life and how it mirrors it back to me. Most anger can be very rebellious from a dangerous construction. This type of anger intends to be more intense and fiery. The individual may be corrupted by the system; being promiscuous; abusing drugs and alcohol; rotating back to jail; having no respect for the authorities or elders; and being combative and confrontational towards people who’s undeserving for that type of behavior. If I behave in that matter, it would be obvious that I am angry, wouldn’t it? I’m not saying I haven’t use some tactics of outburst but it wouldn’t be my distinctive behavior in the norm. My anger is more internal. It shows up in my insecurities, my weight and love life. The way this happen someone could be pursuing their life’s goal, you congratulate them on their endeavors, but then you feed yourself negative talk about how you are a failure or loser because you haven’t endure in your life’s purpose. People may not know your personal struggles; they are just being themselves enjoying life. This anger is only a reflection where you are lacking in your journey. You may find a guy that has all the qualities that you love that suits you, divinely. Perhaps, you’ll say I’m not good enough for him; I’m not smart enough to carry a conversation; pretty enough; fine enough or whatever. I’ve gone through many scenarios I have mentioned above. I have self-sabotaged a lot of opportunities.
Most of this anger is resentment towards both my parents. I never dealt with the divorce as a child, the separation from my father, distance from my brother, not being a family and other things that I would not mention in this blog, maybe only when it’s necessary. I was always nonchalant and aloof about the situations. I thought I was ok because I wasn’t rebelling. I told you this silent anger will creep up on you. I’ve been carry this anger for 30 something years…wow!!!!
The love has been there, also. Even though, I may have resented my parents, but I love them, too. I love how I had a different type of relationship with my parents and siblings. I’m the youngest of three. I got treated a little different. I wasn’t spoil…ok, maybe a little, but I wasn’t a spoil brat. I just knew I was loved. That love evaporated to all my teachers at school; I formulated great bonds from neighborhood friends and had some beautiful connection with everyone, even the school janitor. I love the way my siblings had my back, when sometimes I got on punishment; and couldn’t go outside, so as soon my parents left from work…that’s right…I was out playing with my friends; they never knew it. I love the way how my brother and I always make fun of each other; sticking my tongue at him, taking each other things from each other, but it was all love and funny. I love the way my sister nurture me, while my mom was at work; braiding my hair; helping me with my clothes; hanging out with her older friends, even though, I may have gotten on her nerves. It was just your typical older and younger sister drama. I love when I went to church with my mom; go grocery shopping together, sitting inside the buggy; and just being around her presence, but she will whoop that ass…pop!!!! While my mother was more of the disciplinary, my father was a little easier. He seems to always want to protect me, sometimes over-protective and domineering to other people, when it came to his children. His presence made me feel safe as a child. I do wonder, if things were different, how life would be now for me. I guess that would be another topic.
Through some reminiscing, I learn I have love. I feel love everywhere. I become attach to those emotions. It can come from any remote places like T.V. when a kiss is shared; a loving bond is shared, even though, everything else seems script but in that moment of love it becomes optimistic; being in presence of love; the fun-loving love; hearing a loving conversation and love gestures between lovers; a loving family structure and many inspiring, loving attributes. There is always anticipation according to love that one day it can happen for you. I certainly can identify it, where as, most people have forgotten.
First the flower than the fruit is synonymous for our life entrance in tune with nature’s vibration. A garden which bears the flower has its own internal vibrational energy system. It’s the feminine energy that holds the mysterious information of the budding fruit. It set a divine tone and orchestra the flow of the garden. It determines how successful your fruits will be for harvesting. It lives in dark matter inside the black soil, trying to process the conscious of the seed; the infinite thoughts of life. It’s the passion of sensuality connected to the sun’s energy. It’s the energy that is put into action. The flower becomes the nurturer, feeding the nutrients and attracting bees for its nectar to make the bud stronger. The flower knows its life purpose to do all of the necessities to accomplish a goal. The flower sets a strong foundation to build upon. It’s also easier to look for any potential danger that may stump the bud’s full potential. My divine friend said, he intentionally allow some weeds to grow within the garden to attract insects. The insect will eat the weed, but not the impending fruit. Sounds like a big orgy everything is getting ….pleased. ..mmmmmmmm. The flower is a labor of love, water it with passion and it becomes sensuous receiving all good intentions; raising its sexual energy.
I like this kind of love what the garden demonstrates, externally. This brings me purpose and a desire to become my full budding self. I’m starting to formulate the flower’s behavior because it represents feminine energy. I’m like the lotus flower that blooms under muddy waters and then emerge in the morning under the loving sun. It kisses my naked body expose without shame. It’s freedom. That’s how I want to feel, internally.
Anger is not a bad thing; it’s the volume of anger. Anger is equal to passion because of its overpowering nature. Even though, it’s powerful you can attract that anger and attention for humanity, working for an important cause. It’s the weed that needs to find balance that will benefit for a right purpose.
I’m still growing and learning…always.
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